Sometimes in life, it feels as though everything is against us. Whether that’s because you’re worrying about money, or about how much time you have to do something, or whether you’ll break out and begin doing what you want to be doing. If you go back into my blog archives, you’ll find a lot of moments where I’ve tried to pull myself out of feeling sad, or worried, or just at the end of my tether. I’m a worrier – one of those people who latches onto a problem and holds on to it with an iron grip, rather than letting it wash over me.
I let things affect me that don’t always seem to affect other people. Rather than focusing my energy on doing things that make me happy, I dither over a problem until I feel trapped. Often, that problem is money, and how to generate income. Especially now that I’m self employed, I find that instead of giving myself free reign to create, write, think of ideas, I end up worrying about where to pitch my articles to, or where I’m meant to start. It just grips at you and instead of encouraging you to create, it stagnates those impulses.
I find that the times that I do love creating, I’m inspired not by money, but by my enthusiasm for something. If I enjoyed a play, then I love writing about it. If I loved a book, I’ll wax lyrical about it. It’s just when something feels forced, when you feel as though you don’t have any pleasure in something, then it will start to feel like a chore. For me, freelancing is about seeing a subject I want to write about, and forming an article around it. I don’t mind if I suggest a subject and an editor wants me to write about it from another angle. After all, its interesting to see how people see the same thing.
I just feel that life is too short, and if you want to be happy, and express yourself, then you go for it. I think money can be a motivator to other people, but if I think about it too much, it sends me into a panic. When you’re creating, panic is not a conducive emotion. Under too much pressure, the cracks start to show. It’s great when you have a deadline, because for some reason that kind of pressure does help motivate you. Money is important to me, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to buy food or pay my bills. Yet I don’t think its the best reason to create. Create because you want to, because its powerful and you’re trying to express something – opinion, ideas, knowledge, imagination.
At this time of year, I have to constantly remind myself not to panic or overspend. I like giving presents to people, but I refuse to bankrupt myself in the process. Especially this year, when I’m having to be more frugal than usual. If I worry too much, I know that all the joy gets sucked out of it. So I’m determined to worry less, and live in the moment more. Save for the future, but don’t wish for next week to come – live each day as it comes and find the moments in each day that makes you happy, even if it’s only a little thing. Express yourself through doing a little creative thing each day. Or a big creative thing. My little happy thing today was enjoying the winter sunshine with my morning coffee.
I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us. ~ Dorothy Day