Its been more than a week since I last posted because things have been a bit up and down, as life usually is. Right now I’m feeling slightly optimistic, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Sometimes I have moments when life is good and I’m looking forward to what the future will bring, all the projects I have to do and the dreams I want to fulfil. Then on other days I become incredibly depressed – about nothing and everything. At the root of it is that sometimes money, the lack of money, seems insurmountable – I’m on my way to achieving my dreams but at the same time money puts a huge dampener on that. At least I can say I know what I want – I am a writer, I want my work to go out there into the world for someone, or many someones, to enjoy and think about. My motivation is not money – its the love of writing, of reading and the joy that it has brought me. I want to pass that joy on to other people. Then of course, money rears its head again and makes me feel incredibly frustrated that I can’t go out and enjoy things more often – the theatre, the cinema, art galleries.
Yet there are so many things I am thankful for – my family, friends, my partner, our cats, the chance to read and write and communicate with people. In the west, we are far luckier than we think, even when we feel frustrated because we don’t have enough money. I do really feel, however, that the price of living, of enjoying ourselves, has shot up. Is it because we now notice the cost of things more? Or is it because the recession is squeezing everything, so that things we might have taken for granted before now feel like luxuries? I’ve found ways to get around money issues, like student discounts, discounts I get because I’m deaf or just keeping my eyes on when sales pop up and I can indulge myself a bit. Like I recently had a trial of LoveFilm (which is brilliant by the way), so that I could get a £20 amazon voucher (however, I loved my trial so much that I now pay £7ish a month to get 4 dvds to rent a month!). This is cheaper, in my eyes, than renting from Blockbuster – if you rent 4 DVDs a month (in store) its £10 a month, and you get hit with late fees if you don’t return them on time. A little off topic!
I guess I’ve noticed my lack of money more because it doesn’t seem to go very far at the moment, mostly because I get less than half what I could be earning. Part of the reason I’m volunteering is to get some experience on my CV and also because I may be learning about becoming a library assistant at some point (and perhaps go on to get a librarianship). Some days I feel a little like I’m stuck even though I know I’m not, especially considering how many ideas I have and the prospect of different ventures that have been in the pipeline.
My sister and I are in the process of developing and relaunching our jewellery business and my partner came up with an idea to do with publishing books, which is really exciting. I guess when you don’t have stable money that things are uncertain, which is probably where my frustration comes from. Yet if you’re creative enough to think of ideas and ways to put them into motion, you should just go for it, and the money will start sorting itself out. Nobody said the road towards achieving your dreams is easy. I’m looking forward to the sense of accomplishment when I finally get somewhere.
The 30 Days tag has been on the backburner but I’m hoping I’ll manage to catch up eventually – I think today is day 21, which makes me way behind! It all went on the backburner when I was struggling to write a fanfic (fan fiction) for day 15. I wanted to write a fanfic for The Dresden Files but found it awkward since I wanted to write from Murphy’s point of view rather than Harry Dresden’s. I guess I’ll just catch up all the other days and leave the fanfic to another day when my head is more focused!
Someday I will wish upon a star and wake up with the clouds far behind me… ~ Somewhere Over The Rainbow