Its been more than a week since I last posted because things have been a bit up and down, as life usually is. Right now I’m feeling slightly optimistic, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Sometimes I have moments when life is good and I’m looking forward to what the future will bring, all the projects I have to do and the dreams I want to fulfil. Then on other days I become incredibly depressed – about nothing and everything. At the root of it is that sometimes money, the lack of money, seems insurmountable – I’m on my way to achieving my dreams but at the same time money puts a huge dampener on that. At least I can say I know what I want – I am a writer, I want my work to go out there into the world for someone, or many someones, to enjoy and think about. My motivation is not money – its the love of writing, of reading and the joy that it has brought me. I want to pass that joy on to other people. Then of course, money rears its head again and makes me feel incredibly frustrated that I can’t go out and enjoy things more often – the theatre, the cinema, art galleries.
Yet there are so many things I am thankful for – my family, friends, my partner, our cats, the chance to read and write and communicate with people. In the west, we are far luckier than we think, even when we feel frustrated because we don’t have enough money. I do really feel, however, that the price of living, of enjoying ourselves, has shot up. Is it because we now notice the cost of things more? Or is it because the recession is squeezing everything, so that things we might have taken for granted before now feel like luxuries? I’ve found ways to get around money issues, like student discounts, discounts I get because I’m deaf or just keeping my eyes on when sales pop up and I can indulge myself a bit. Like I recently had a trial of LoveFilm (which is brilliant by the way), so that I could get a ÂŁ20 amazon voucher (however, I loved my trial so much that I now pay ÂŁ7ish a month to get 4 dvds to rent a month!). This is cheaper, in my eyes, than renting from Blockbuster – if you rent 4 DVDs a month (in store) its ÂŁ10 a month, and you get hit with late fees if you don’t return them on time. A little off topic!
I guess I’ve noticed my lack of money more because it doesn’t seem to go very far at the moment, mostly because I get less than half what I could be earning. Part of the reason I’m volunteering is to get some experience on my CV and also because I may be learning about becoming a library assistant at some point (and perhaps go on to get a librarianship). Some days I feel a little like I’m stuck even though I know I’m not, especially considering how many ideas I have and the prospect of different ventures that have been in the pipeline.
My sister and I are in the process of developing and relaunching our jewellery business and my partner came up with an idea to do with publishing books, which is really exciting. I guess when you don’t have stable money that things are uncertain, which is probably where my frustration comes from. Yet if you’re creative enough to think of ideas and ways to put them into motion, you should just go for it, and the money will start sorting itself out. Nobody said the road towards achieving your dreams is easy. I’m looking forward to the sense of accomplishment when I finally get somewhere.
The 30 Days tag has been on the backburner but I’m hoping I’ll manage to catch up eventually – I think today is day 21, which makes me way behind! It all went on the backburner when I was struggling to write a fanfic (fan fiction) for day 15. I wanted to write a fanfic for The Dresden Files but found it awkward since I wanted to write from Murphy’s point of view rather than Harry Dresden’s. I guess I’ll just catch up all the other days and leave the fanfic to another day when my head is more focused!
Someday I will wish upon a star and wake up with the clouds far behind me… ~ Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Cats and Chocolate 
I really enjoyed this post. It seems everything you become wary of at some point are things I find myself able to fully understand. Sometimes money takes priority simply because, well, what can we do, starve? If only life offered us simple solutions as to how we may comfortably pursue our dreams; simultaneously supporting ourselves and yet, indulge in our own artistic abilities… then we would really be set. I find it somewhat anxious, the life of a writer, always wanting to get your thoughts out as quickly as possible for people to read. For them to realize your talent and feel inspired or slightly motivated in their daily lives all because of what you were able to share with them, this is something many of us aspire to and often times lose the stamina for. I, on the other hand, think it’s completely worth it. You have a great talent and ability to express things which many others are unable to do. Don’t lose hope! Great post!
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Hi Meghan, thanks for commenting! It’s really lovely to know that you liked this post and my writing. Like you say, its hard to strike a balance in life between needing money and wanting to pursue our creative talents – but then, its something that has been the same through all human history. Maybe this is what life is – a lot of struggle and some shining gem moments, which we learn to cherish because we know what its like to do without. Don’t lose hope either! 🙂
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Aw Liz, I really needed to read something like this right now! It could have been a page from my own journal recently – days of heady optimism at the projects & plans I have & then days of hopelessness & feeling what’s the point? I understand the money thing all too well & how earning it/worrying about it gets in the way of creativity & writing time – I need to work to pay rent & feed myself, but that means doing a job which takes my time & energy, and so all those projects & plans get waylaid & put off – & then comes the feelings of frustration & hopelessness.
I’m in one of my less optimistic moods at the moment. I could really do with a holiday, some change of scenery, but money won’t allow that right now.
But reading your comment above- about cherishing those shining gem moments – perked me up a little, it’s what I know deep down inside too & keeps you keepin’ on – it’s those bursts of creative energy & inspiration from books, music, walks that put things in perspective & what we must remember to hold onto.
All the best – your volunteering sounds really interesting!
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Hey Michelle – I know what you mean, I could really do with a holiday too. I mean, sure, I’m not in full time employment, but most of the time I’m doing something that counts as work – writing, making jewellery, etc.
Recently, the only thing that keeps me from getting too down is seeking out all those little things that make me happy – good food, my family and partner, writing and reading, good music, free things (free art exhibitions etc). I try to stop myself from feeling completely down by distracting myself. Sometimes it works but sometimes I just want to pull the covers back over my head and go to sleep. I’m trying to change my attitude a bit and start looking forward to things and focusing on the present.
You’re a talented writer, I love reading your blog. I read a book recently (Natalie Goldberg’s ‘Wild Mind’) where the author explained that a writer’s life is painful – fulfilling yet difficult because it takes a lot of energy and pulls out deep emotion. Its a beautiful book and has made me realise that if you’re a writer, you need to cut yourself some slack sometimes – if you have a bad day, it doesn’t mean its all doomed, you’re just human 🙂
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