I’ve got to be honest – change is always hard. The past few weeks have been difficult, and its like I’m finding myself at the beginning again. Not necessarily difficult because of outside influences, but more difficult because of how conflicted I’ve been feeling. On one hand, it feels important to me to start thinking about what makes me happy and how going for self employment will improve my self respect and make me feel more creative – but on the other hand I know how hard it will be and I’m worrying about it so much. Not least because I’ve lost a lot of motivation over the past few months and I don’t know what it is that can get me excited about writing again. It doesn’t help when you get rejected at job interviews and you spend all that time preparing and building it up in your mind and then it just turns out to be a disappointment.
Its not even the rejection that makes you feel bad – its the hope sort of being built up and then fading a bit afterwards. Dwelling on things is one of my faults – I’ve only just started to move on again after the disappointment. I wish job seeking didn’t have to be like that. Filling out the application forms is a job in itself, when you have a CV already and you also have to write a mini-essay on why you think you fit the person specification. All I want, really, is to have bread and butter money which gives me a chance to write the books I’m working on, or gives me some time to write articles for different places. So I guess I’m sort of trying to find a way that lets me go freelance and self employed without losing (too much) money.
Going to the jobcentre at the best of times is energy sapping, and because I have a DEA (Disability Employment Advisor), I often go in more than once every two weeks to sign on. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t asked for a DEA because they don’t really help. Perhaps being deaf means you need more specialised support – someone who knows what you’re facing in terms of communication needs and confidence. The worst thing being that I’ve been referred to Work Choice – which is a bit of a joke (being fobbed off again). Frankly, I think I might sign off in the next few months and become self employed – but obviously this isn’t without its risks. Being stuck in the system, and feeling the extra pressure of accounting for every single little thing you do to find a job is exhausting. That energy could be spent on doing two things that I need the most – getting advice from someone who knows what they’re talking about – and making a business plan. This is what I’m going to be doing in the next month or so.
The hardest thing for me is learning not to worry so much. To understand that by worrying I’m thinking too much about what ‘might’ happen and not concentrating on what I need to do now. That’s not to say that planning things isn’t important, but that being present is important. Appreciating the little things and finding things that make you smile in the here and now. Working hard now because of the pleasure of getting something done. Not thinking too much about what you don’t have and taking the time to remember what you do have. Looking at the here and now and the things and people you love will help you understand what the happiest decision is – even if it feels hard and makes you worry.
Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don’t need to worry.
~ Corinne Bailey Rae – Put Your Records On.