One night last week I opened the window just as the sun was going down and spreading a warm blush across the sky. It was the first time I’ve felt like that for a while; as though life is slowly opening up again and blooming, showing some promise. I’ve felt somehow detached recently, as though I’m watching things happening to me or to the people around me, and haven’t necessarily felt like I was participating in life, if that makes sense? Of course I’ve been doing things, applying for jobs, writing, getting things done, but I haven’t felt as though I’ve actually felt real happiness for a little while. It was a huge shock for me to lose so much of the money I depend on, that I was relying on to help me achieve my dream of being a freelance writer; yet at the same time I think maybe it’s woken me up to new possibilities and directions. It has woken up my determination again, to not be complacent and to take more of an active part in shaping my own life. Some days, money drags me down, but I try not to stay feeling like that and remind myself that yes, I don’t have a lot of money right now, but I’m lucky – I have people who have given me chances, because I took the initiative to reach out to them.
I used to be the kind of person that would be too shy and introverted to make connections with people, but I’ve grown in confidence over the past couple of years, and it seems that it is all because I’ve jumped in with both feet into my dream. It has been and will be a scary ride. Yet I’m not going to look back with regret and think that I should have done this or that – I don’t want to live in the past. I want to live now, and hope for the future. All the things I’ve done and that have happened to me – good and bad – have shaped me and come to this moment in time. It is the same for everybody – we all have unique experiences, joy and tragedy in our lives. I’m trying to open my eyes and see the world, to capture each moment the best I can, no matter whether it is beautiful or painful, or both.
As Anaïs Nin says:
We write to taste life twice; in the moment and in retrospection.