These past two months I’ve found myself experiencing a new positivity that I haven’t felt for a long time. Last year and the year before that both involved soul searching, agonising and some painful changes. In hindsight, maybe you have to go through difficult times to feel real positivity and inspiration. When I look back over last year, I wonder why I didn’t do more – go out to galleries, gigs, the cinema, the theatre. Sometimes I think I wasn’t looking hard enough for the more exciting things, that I was holding myself back from enjoying life. The past two years have been about discovering my own path, putting my foot down and making decisions.
Its only half way through February and the month is beginning to look busy – I’m becoming involved with a brilliant organisation as a newsletter editor (and blogger, setting up their blog). I’ve already done a couple of things that I probably wouldn’t have done two years ago – like Plus London Blogger Meet 2011 and going to a Thomas Truax gig (absolutely fabulous, and captivating). I’m venturing out of my comfort zone and finding that I’ve got a new zest for life.
I don’t know why I didn’t live like this before. Maybe it takes time to pull yourself out of old stagnant habits that hold you back from enjoying things. Though I am still shy (sometimes painfully so), some days I feel confident enough to approach people and ask for directions or something. I feel more able to go up to people at parties or strike up conversations with people. I’m less afraid of putting myself forward. The whole fiasco with the whirlwind has proven to me that I can put my foot down without offending everyone, that I can be diplomatic when I need to be. Learning BSL Stage 2 has centred something within me that I didn’t realise was missing.
So basically, I’ve fallen in love with life again, which went missing somewhere around mid 2009. I’m excited about possibilities, despite being a broke writer. I feel like life is moving along again, and I’m thankful. My sister has a big part to play in this, as well as some other people who have given me the opportunity to work for them. Though I’m not ‘in the money’, I’m getting slowly towards my literary goals for this year. I know that the more life experience I get, the more inspiration I will have to write. If I’m happy with what I’m doing, then that will help me to focus when I need to, rather than being depressed and wasting days stressing about money or what I’m going to do next.
Of course, I know that I’m only halfway there, and there will be a lot of hard work meeting deadlines and learning from other people. I don’t necessarily believe in fate, but I do wonder if there is something harder at work than just mere coincidence sometimes. You get out of life what you put into it, and if you try to have a generally positive attitude and energy, and forge relationships with like minded people, good things will start to happen!
Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. ~ Kahlil Gibran