Stroke of Midnight

It’s past midnight in the early hours of the first day of November. I’ve made a quick decision to fire up the blog again and join in with NanoPoblano this year. I’d been dithering over it for a few days.

I was looking back when I signed up on how many years I’ve taken part. I haven’t always managed to finish or do every single day. I’ve managed four years in a row since 2016. But I do enjoy the feeling of being part of the community, a concentrated nexus of creativity. My thinking is, I may find it healing to focus on something for myself, as part of a community.

It’ll be gentle, though. I’m not promising something in-depth or even interesting every day. This year has taken a lot out of all of us for various reasons. I’ve barely been able to write. There’s a lot to tell and also not a lot to tell. Time has been odd. The year seems stretched, longer. January feels years ago. And yet, it’s already two months until 2021.

Here though, I count the small joys. The gratitude for being alive. It’s no longer dramatic to answer ‘How are you?’ with ‘I’m alive.’ But how do you get to a place of not merely being alive, but of thriving? What are those things that make me, still, glad to be alive? Even when every single day, it seems as if there’s another fire burning somewhere in the world.

It would be easy to be jaded and cynical. But that’s not how I am, not naturally, at least. I’ve changed so much in a year. For one, I’m finally having therapy. With a deaf therapist. I’ve only had three sessions so far (on Zoom, of course), and it’s been hard to start unpacking the layers.

But I’m optimistic that it will help my state of mind and help me see my way forward again. I like my therapist, and it’s good to be working with someone who understands the particular set of challenges that face a deaf person.

I’ve noticed that writers I know seem to be experiencing one of two states at the moment. They have either thrown themselves into writing and creating, as an escape or as something therapeutic, whilst others are experiencing a state of frozen stasis, unable to write at all, or at least not much. Either of those states is fine. I’ve been frozen, but I’m thawing.

Part of me is afraid to write because there’s a lot I have to say. On my mind. A lot of grief, too. Sometimes, as I’ve often felt before, words don’t seem like enough. But maybe it’s our gift as writers to find the words. Even if they take a long time to arrive.

*Sign up for NanoPoblano here.

‘A writer, I think, is someone who pays attention to the world.’

– Susan Sontag

14 thoughts on “Stroke of Midnight

  1. Coincidentally I came back to my blog yesterday. I won’t do Nanopoblano this year but I look forward to reading your posts, and others that do.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m looking forward to reading too. Thank you for reading and commenting 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This year has not been easy for anyone.. But I like you’re answer, “Alive”, I’ve always found stupid the question “How are you?” especially in this moment, but instead of saying always “fine” even if we’re not, “Alive” is the most true statement 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it is. And I feel absurdly grateful for that these days. It’s a difficult time and nothing feels normal! But that’s okay.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you’ll be joining us!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Looking forward to catching up with everyone and reading too!

      Like

  4. I have been feeling frozen also. I mange something every couple/few months if I’m lucky. I’ve been so upset that I feel like I just don’t have anything good to add to an already awful situation. So better to remain silent. If 45 doesn’t leave office as a result of this election I just don’t know how I could possibly do nano. Today, seeing my blog buddies starting has given a spark, but that’s it. Just a spark. Good to see something from you. Glad your therapy is going well. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sending hugs and lots of love, it’s such a hard time. A spark is good! I’m not sure if I’ll manage every day but I’ll give it a go 💛

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your feelings on this year are… very relatable. I joined Nanopoblano for the first time *since* 2016 because I feel like I haven’t been writing enough… I’m looking forward to what else you have to say. Happy Peppering!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. “I count the small joys” – yes! Happy Peppering 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I’ve enjoyed reading everything you’ve written here on this post.

    Like

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